Tuesday, November 8, 2016 I sat on the couch Election Night feeling more anxiety than I had ever known.
I didn’t want to believe what was happening but there it was right before my eyes, the electoral map, on my local NBC channel looking like someone wrapped it in red Christmas paper. I tried to stay hopeful and kept repeating in my head "Hillary, Hillary, Hillary". I managed a quick nap around midnight, holding out hope that Lovey would wake me up and say “She did it, Hillary is President!” but it never happened. I woke up about 15 minutes later and it ended up that I was the one nudging her awake around 1am/1:30 saying “let’s go to bed, it’s not looking good” just after they called Florida to the other side. So we frumped our way upstairs to bed where I lay wide awake for a long time with my mind all a whir. The next day I was feeling very disappointed so I limited my social media browsing and did not watch the news except to see Hillary’s speech, which made me cry. I could feel her disappointment through the brave words she spoke and I got choked up when she mentioned all the young girls, that they should still have hope and that they still have the possibility to be anything they want in their life. Thank goodness I was so busy at work the days following because I didn’t have much time to think and as the days progressed I felt like it wouldn’t be so bad, I needed to make things happen for myself. It’s not like it was the end of the world, I still have the power to change my life, to do good in my community and maybe inspire a few people along the way. These thoughts kept me going and I really felt I had cleared the worst of it but as the week went by I started to feel this sadness and exhaustion. It was like I was walking through sand and as I stepped forward the sand got deeper, wetter, harder to trudge through and I got to the point where I just felt like I couldn’t take another step. I found myself very emotional and would cry at the slightest provocation. I saw some of my friends post on Facebook that they were going through the same thing. By Sunday I was in the shower with my head hanging in my hands and I just wanted to stand in there forever! All of a sudden my friends I realized something standing there in the shower stall! This election took us all to the brink. Most of us struggling in our normal lives pinning so much hope, empowerment, anger and frustration on the candidates. We, the people, living paycheck to paycheck, the overworked, over-caffeinated, auto pilot nation! We were all on the edge and for some of us it was like the end of the Thelma and Louise film...right down into the ravine! A few weeks before the election I was talking to a friend at a memorial service for a great guy we knew that had passed away and she was telling me how she is just barely keeping her head above the water and I exclaimed “EXACTLY!” I knew precisely what she meant and proceeded to get teary eyed as we talked of the weight that life bares down on us at times. The conversation had nothing to do with politics but just about family, struggling and holding on to your sanity. I told her I wanted to try and write a poem about that struggle to help maybe see it more clearly. I tried a few times in the days after we saw each other but I couldn't get the words down even though I felt my struggle to hang on was very real. I pictured it so clearly as me doggy paddling in a body of water as just my eyes, nose and mouth breaches the surface. My neck bent back, hanging in there knowing all it would take is one tug, one big wave to bring me down. Well back to the present standing with my head bent forward, hands covering my face with not enough hot water in the world to rinse off the feeling of BLAH! I realized that is exactly what this election has done to many of us, it has towed us under friends and we are struggling to get back up to the surface and breathe again! But I do believe hope still does exist and it lives in all of us. I will always be a Hillary supporter, no matter what and I have to just start supporting more people that endeavor to do good locally, nationally and worldwide. I can also try to be a light for other people out there struggling. Sometimes it doesn't take much and we are going to need one another more than ever.
Now finally after writing this blog I came up with the poem:
Above the Line
by Beth Achenbach
I just breach the surface
as I tread these waters.
Treading, treading,
always treading as I try
to lean my neck back further
to gasp for the air I need
to fill my lungs with life.
I keep treading, treading
always treading to raise my head
above the line.
At times I feel
the edge seeping up to envelope me.
I use my will to stay afloat
hoping that there aren't any
surprises to tow me under.
My arms
treading treading
always treading and getting weary
from the struggle to live.
I could use some relief,
a little buoyancy,
light in the darkness
to paddle towards
and emerge from
the depths to stand once again.
To put the constant treading behind me
and live above the line
I didn’t want to believe what was happening but there it was right before my eyes, the electoral map, on my local NBC channel looking like someone wrapped it in red Christmas paper. I tried to stay hopeful and kept repeating in my head "Hillary, Hillary, Hillary". I managed a quick nap around midnight, holding out hope that Lovey would wake me up and say “She did it, Hillary is President!” but it never happened. I woke up about 15 minutes later and it ended up that I was the one nudging her awake around 1am/1:30 saying “let’s go to bed, it’s not looking good” just after they called Florida to the other side. So we frumped our way upstairs to bed where I lay wide awake for a long time with my mind all a whir. The next day I was feeling very disappointed so I limited my social media browsing and did not watch the news except to see Hillary’s speech, which made me cry. I could feel her disappointment through the brave words she spoke and I got choked up when she mentioned all the young girls, that they should still have hope and that they still have the possibility to be anything they want in their life. Thank goodness I was so busy at work the days following because I didn’t have much time to think and as the days progressed I felt like it wouldn’t be so bad, I needed to make things happen for myself. It’s not like it was the end of the world, I still have the power to change my life, to do good in my community and maybe inspire a few people along the way. These thoughts kept me going and I really felt I had cleared the worst of it but as the week went by I started to feel this sadness and exhaustion. It was like I was walking through sand and as I stepped forward the sand got deeper, wetter, harder to trudge through and I got to the point where I just felt like I couldn’t take another step. I found myself very emotional and would cry at the slightest provocation. I saw some of my friends post on Facebook that they were going through the same thing. By Sunday I was in the shower with my head hanging in my hands and I just wanted to stand in there forever! All of a sudden my friends I realized something standing there in the shower stall! This election took us all to the brink. Most of us struggling in our normal lives pinning so much hope, empowerment, anger and frustration on the candidates. We, the people, living paycheck to paycheck, the overworked, over-caffeinated, auto pilot nation! We were all on the edge and for some of us it was like the end of the Thelma and Louise film...right down into the ravine! A few weeks before the election I was talking to a friend at a memorial service for a great guy we knew that had passed away and she was telling me how she is just barely keeping her head above the water and I exclaimed “EXACTLY!” I knew precisely what she meant and proceeded to get teary eyed as we talked of the weight that life bares down on us at times. The conversation had nothing to do with politics but just about family, struggling and holding on to your sanity. I told her I wanted to try and write a poem about that struggle to help maybe see it more clearly. I tried a few times in the days after we saw each other but I couldn't get the words down even though I felt my struggle to hang on was very real. I pictured it so clearly as me doggy paddling in a body of water as just my eyes, nose and mouth breaches the surface. My neck bent back, hanging in there knowing all it would take is one tug, one big wave to bring me down. Well back to the present standing with my head bent forward, hands covering my face with not enough hot water in the world to rinse off the feeling of BLAH! I realized that is exactly what this election has done to many of us, it has towed us under friends and we are struggling to get back up to the surface and breathe again! But I do believe hope still does exist and it lives in all of us. I will always be a Hillary supporter, no matter what and I have to just start supporting more people that endeavor to do good locally, nationally and worldwide. I can also try to be a light for other people out there struggling. Sometimes it doesn't take much and we are going to need one another more than ever.
Now finally after writing this blog I came up with the poem:
Above the Line
by Beth Achenbach
I just breach the surfaceas I tread these waters.
Treading, treading,
always treading as I try
to lean my neck back further
to gasp for the air I need
to fill my lungs with life.
I keep treading, treading
always treading to raise my head
above the line.
At times I feel
the edge seeping up to envelope me.
I use my will to stay afloat
hoping that there aren't any
surprises to tow me under.
My arms
treading treading
always treading and getting weary
from the struggle to live.
I could use some relief,
a little buoyancy,
light in the darkness
to paddle towards
and emerge from
the depths to stand once again.
To put the constant treading behind me
and live above the line
thank you so much Beth for sharing your story, I can relate and I am dealing with things in my own way too. Peace Love and Light to you and yours...Your Pal Laura in Hoboken
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the comment Laura! If you'd like to share how you are dealing with things, I'd love to hear about it.
DeleteThanks for being a wonderful person and sharing your hope with all of us. That is exactly how I felt. Like someone punched me in the stomach and it was impossible to catch my breathe. We must stay hopeful and help eachother stay above the water. We will get through this, together. Love you! - Fifi
ReplyDeleteFifi...you are my very first comment on any of my blogs! Thanks for taking the time to read. We must definitely support one another and share opportunities to make a difference when we come across them. Love you lots!
Delete